It is hard to not feel like my whole life is in limbo. How is that for an epic and stupidly vague opening line? You’re welcome.
I say this because when you make the choice to be in “the business” (whether it be behind the scenes/camera or in front) there is a list of things that you sign up for, these things are not always the case, but at any time these are the things you need to be prepared for:
1) Living paycheck to paycheck
2) Eating cereal and spaghetti because of its cost
3) Not being able to go out for coffee, a movie, dinner, or shoes.
4) Going long stretches of time where you feel much more like a professional something else rather than an actor.
5) Being told you aren’t good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough. That you didn’t go to the right school, don’t have the best agent, don’t have, or simply just don’t have what it takes.
6) Questioning my choice to do what I am doing everyday.
Most of the time, the things listed in #5 aren’t true, but nevertheless they are part of someone’s opinion, someone who makes the choice about whether you’re playing Ophelia, the next Carrie Bradshaw, or selling $30,000s worth of toothpaste. But rejection is just as much of this business as dancing, singing, or booking a job it…. More so even. It is the other half of auditioning… it is part of a daily routine. No, by the way, this is not me being negative, far from it. This is me being honest and realistic.
It doesn’t make a difference whether I like these things or not, they are what I signed up for. A lot of times you’ll meet someone in the business who doesn’t want to have to sign up…. Those are the people, in my opinion, who don’t last. That isn’t a bad thing, at all, more power to them, if they can find their bliss in something else I implore them. But, if this is what you want… you have to get over it.
Before I moved out here, people told me that the biggest difference between NYC and LA was that between gigs in LA the time moved like molasses. Like, some how on the east coast, there was just more time-killing stuff. Whereas out here if you weren’t doing something you’d have done a census by the time you got something else. I have yet to feel that way. I’ve been bouncing around doing lots of things, which is great. But for the first time, I’m starting to feel the ache of the “?” Why did I move here? What do I want? Am I doing everything in my power to make it happen?
I moved here to do something different, focus on tv/film/comedy and let theater go to the wayside for a minute. But, it is hard to not go to EVERY theater audition that I find. The problem with that is, in NYC, I was auditioning for 2 shows a day, there was no time to take anything personally. Tough skin is something I generally pride myself on. But here, because theater worth being invested in is so few and far between, it’s hard to not get emotionally attached. It becomes the one thing on my mind for days…which is a STRANGE feeling for me. But, does that mean that I stop auditioning for theater and focus entirely on something else or figure out how to balance it? Obviously, the answer is to get over it and find a balance. #6. This is the most important thing that I signed up for. Despite the fact that it brings me joy and happiness everyday, having made the choice to be an actor is the scariest and most unsettling choice I’ve ever made as well.
But, there is a reason that I keep doing it. That I keep auditioning, reading, learning, growing…. Because I fucking have to, yup. I’m not good at anything else, and when it comes down to it, it is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning…..
So, at the end of everyday I am so thankful for the choice I’ve made and for the things I’ve signed up for.
Ps. I’ve been in LA 5 months today.
L’Shana Tova.
East to West: A Chronicle 